Friday, October 14, 2005
sigh. ok. this could be a long one. but it has to be the most IMPORTANT post i have ever done. now, i am a homo sapien male 17 years filled with a whole lotta nonsense. but what i ahve to say is true and is someythin which i thought i`d never publish but will do so as the whole of today i did not study ANYTHING and have been just slumpin around thinkin of what to do about it. here i go:- now, last yaer till now, i have liked this girl. not a new thing for me but this is the 2nd of the type that i can't forget no matter what i do.first was watermelon milkshake, which i had a very tought ime forgetting(and now, in school she gives me the "eye". i bet she knows.. normally, it goes like this, i think a girl is hot, i get to know about her and know her and then i slowly find flaws here and there and then i forget her. but this type, is like she is your friend and you really like her and you just cant tell her as you are afriad for the friendship. and the WORST part is you just cant find no flaws in her and she is too perfect to be true and a lotta things she does makes you like her more. but you know she deserves way better than you. you dont have the money, the time(NS right?) and you are not her race. but all you can offer her is your true heart and be totally devoted. but i doubt that is enough for any girl. last night, i had a purely retarded dream. i dreamt i ahd cancer and the doc told me that i had less than a month to live. then i went to tell her that i liked her and about the cancer and like she said sorry, she did not like me and said she deserved better. then i was crying and sat on the middle of bukit timah road. then a car came and killed me. then the song by weezer "we are all in love"(its actually we are all on drugs but the MTV is we are all in love) was playing and i went to hell. and before that, the devil let me see my funeral. it was just my family and that was pretty much it. i was so angry nobody came down to witness my last rites. then i saw all those people who hated me and all my "friends" getting real happy to hear that i had passed away. i woke up sweating like some moron even though the fan was on full speed. it was 4 am. i was dead broke and emotionally gone. my whole day today i have thought whether its worth telling her and been like building castles in the air. i have not studied, not listened to music. just watched weezer's video "we are all in love" you must listen to it. its damn meaningful when its "we are all in love" but the actual version is we are all on drugs" i just feel VERY low now and i really wanted to talk to someone. but who to? everybody has their own problems. i like smsed many ppl i truely trust"are you busy"? but nobody answered. and i prayed, i sure did, it did not help much. i just feel like playing some depressing song very loudly and just singing along. what should i do? she has such taste, is in like the cool gang of school, even if like by some fraction of probabability she lets me have a chance with her, i got nothing to offer her but just some company, be a listener, spend some "quality" time( for me but i doubt for her). but i will feel a regret if i end school and did not even try at all. so should i like just let her know and hope for the best or should i keep it to myself and like hope the misery and pain will go away? and if i tell her, will i be able to deal with what i have said and the outcome and consequences of it? i really need some advice or at least some thoughts for this. i have tried to falll in love with many other girls throughou the course of this year. but i just cant forget her. many look appelin and all, but no one comes close to her. i ahve only tole 3 or 4 ppl her name and i dont mind telling others as long as they keep it to themselves. but wtf do I DO NOW??? i am juts keeping myself alive by listenin to that weezer song.. every music vid or song i watch i take in a depressing fashion of thought. like mr.brightside, wake me up when sept ends etc.etc. shit.i feel like shit. thanks for readin if you di. it`l put my soul to a bit of ease.
-Aayush
