Tuesday, January 03, 2006
got home from orientation and was pretty tired. the girls this year i feel are pretty ok. not bad or too good. just nice. but the guys are way OFF.. haha. nvm. i paticularly liked this certain one. she got height and looks but nothin much than that. met "my prom date" that i never even said hi to at prom and thereafter today. I thought it was pretty wierd between us. o well. i know i`ll do something about this cause seriously i do feel there is some connection but when did the short circuit occur i did not even know. i need to get a job and more or less be stable then i should like ask her out or something. hope its not too late or anythin. that would REALLY hurt. haha. but after all that u`ve been thru it seems there is nothin that can afect you. but the slightest and stupidist thing does. today, a chick that i had somethign for in J1 was talking about which place to go for a dinner like blah blah blah. i inferred she got asked out and since she had told me once that "after a levels i`ll get a bf" i again deduced that yes, it had happened. but i thought i was over it!! i guess every affair leaves a wound that time heals but it can get scraped easily. well. its always music and the bible and a lot of prayers that get me thru this. i don noe wats wrong with me. its like i want everything i cant have, and am always sad and can never appreciate what i have sometimes even when it is too late. tommorow is my birthday. but as USUAL, only my parents will wish me, along with few relatives visitin, a small cake will be cut, a happy birthday song will be sung and thats bout it. last year my parents did not get me anything!! NOTHING!! now THAT hurts i don really care if my friends forgot, cause its my fault that i came out so near new yaer and the time when school just starts. yup its my FAULT. nvm. i ain't a bit sad. cause on this day, 4th Jan., i cry my heart out in my bed before i sleep and talk to God about my plans. He wishes me well and with a gentle kiss puts me to sleep. with so much care and comfort and love that there is no reason for me to be angry or upset. Maybe thats the reason why i like to play with my younger siblings and make sure they are always smiling and happy. cause i never did have time to do all that. and i long to, to be affectionate, caring and kind to someone. but of course, one would say be that to your friend. but no. the compassion and love i am referrin to only happens in fruitful relationships. its all about love and being able to express yourself. but alas, it is nowasays about hormones and sex. u see a potential mate, you play a bunch of tricks and WALLA! you get to fuck her soon enough. nope. not me though. absurd as this may sound, i am gonna stay a virgin till i get married. i wanna really look in my soulmates eyes and be able to say" hey, i saved myself for you. u are my first. " i can imagine the moment. i want it to be special. not like being afraid and all about the outcomes and whether it is right or wrong. my first time will be trouble free and knowing that i am getting back the same treatment(i hope!). nvm that. i feel my body is way outta shape now. gym and swim and run. and i hope i can get a job soon. so i can get my mind off all this nonsense and stop senseless and baseless dreaming in my room. its like i just remember that one day i saw this paticular guy with this paticular girl. then i vision him getting her in front of my eyes. then i dream that they get married and are so happy, but i KNOW i was better. but who cares? its too late. she is gone. and then i get filled with anger. and i just want to kill that guy. i mean i am better than him in some ways and he is better than me. but alas, she likes him. knowing this i just feel bad. sad. and pathetic. and yes this is EXACTLY how i spent the eve of my 18th birthday. dreamin and killlin myself softly from the inside. its like a self destruction mode. i ask God "when will things get better? when will i get true love?" the answer then dawns, "look, u were a pathetic, short lookin boy in AES. through Gods grace you made it to barker and now to ACJC and thru it with 4subs!! not bad at all. you have so much of a window of opportunity. and your looks, you grew taller and fatter, then with Gods grace you became lean and much better looking. As for love, you have very protective paretnts cause they love you and is that not love enough?" but no i argue" no it is not enough!! and that is not the love i need and want. to feel like a captive. i always wanted to break free. tell them to fuck off and run away, but YOU, God said that i should honor my parents in the Bible. so i did and will continue to do. so why is it that even when i try to do EVERYTHING right, that i am still not getting any and am so miserable?" God says" Patience. Thats all you need. Rest in the assurance of the lord. Hope does not fail. " so there, i begin hoping and lead my life on till again i come to a steep slope where i need to talk to God again. THATS always how it has been happening and how it will always reamin. I ain`t bitter. i am just anxious and worried about the future.
"Come here,
Just take my hand for now,
help me, please show me how,
to fight this, God has a master plan
and i guess, i am in his demand.
Please save me, this time i cannot run."
-Aayush
