Sunday, November 05, 2006
i passed cpft. somehow i did. not too bad did it in the first test itself. only 11 passed. but in the next one a few more did. now only like 6 left. there are only 25 trainees to begin with. lol. ippt left. standing broad jump and all the other usual shit. PTI gold aint easy. cant club for a long time as i got financial issues. soccer betting sucks. i lost a bomb. seriously. a bomb.. but its all my fault. now i can either quit or win back.. well some people turned 19.. how insane. once we were kids now we are hardly tamed. i feel utterly lonely. totally no chick friends as of now. why? cause i am just too stuck up for my own good. too engrossed in everything to keep it casual. to scared to try cause it hurts. but closing every possibility does not make it all better. only worse. i got no balls i must say. to scared to profess love or emotions til it all fades away. but somehow i know you`ll find no one better. and all my life will be a regret so i wont really bother. the chance is slim. slimmer than slim 10 or kate moss or even the straight line on my rooms tile. but why i ask God why? why does my heart bleed tonight. i thought it was over and done and all the "dreams" shattered and layed again. but why do i remember you? yes but i`ll know some day i`ll find someone better. and i`ll see with some shorty or baldy who is well educated and earns a bomb. but when he sleeps with others and when he makes you cry, i`ll never be there. i wont give a fuck no more. friends still and freinds forever as we once said. but when and if we meet agian i`ll really despair. butt i`ll pray every night for you like i ahve always done. and hope your wishes will come true and hapiness your only emotion. but if only we could be. if only. so different, so apart, so unlikely, totally impossible. yes i knwo the word that describes it all.. IMPOSSIBLE. thank you God for what i have and what i dont. living this life i am like it is my own. never to despair and fighting every struggle. i`ll emerge a winner. a winner in yours and my eyes. only we know the truth and the lies. you know it all. make something happen oh you the mighty one. do not let me fall and fall and never stop falling. pick me up and brush the dirt off. so i may pursue what i have been trying to. Amen.
-Aayush
